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Optimus Prime
Optimus Goldberg Rosenblatt Primestein (July 24th, 9,728,602,820 B.C. - August 9, 2005) was the 40th President of the United States. A chiseled and wise man of the people, Optimus Prime was well loved as an ordinary Joe and a fearless asskicker of ass. Prior to his presidency, he was known to most of the American population by his toy which featured the unique ability to transform from redneck-mobile to awkward robot. Optimus was also a reformed hippie in ancient time of his home planet. He is a former member of the Bear Hunters of America and is still an honorary member of the team. Beyond Earth, he still holds the undisputed title of Rochambeau Champion of the Universe. Dr. Peter Griffin of Quahog University also claims that Prime was Jewish. Optimus Prime in U.S. History In 1794, Americans, led by Optimus Prime, manned up and marched into Michigan, which was at the time part of Canada, and took it away, driving out all the godless Canadian communists, liberals, and bears who had resided there. To honor the efforts of Optimus Prime and his leadership in liberating the former Canadian land, Michigan became a state best known for its production of the automobile. Primarily, the Hummer, but also the badass American muscle car and the Big Rigs too. In the year 1984, when Americans were too busy eating their Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pudding pies and wetting their pants in anticipation for when the Red Soviet Phantom Menace was going to carpet bomb their country with Skittles (being too poor to buy real nukes), one man, nay, one robot man had the balls to step forward and blast the enemy square in the face at point-blank range. That robot man was Optimus Prime. Optimus Prime, a transforming Autobot transformer that could transform, came to Earth to thwart the terrorist tyranny of the almighty Megatron (Praise be to Allah) and his ruthless Decepticon robo-camel jockies. Optimus Prime's philosophy was "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings", a motto that was passed down to him by his mentor, George W. Bush. During his presidency, Prime was not sheltered from negative press. Three terrorist attacks would be milestones of his presidency: *The deliberate demolition of Sherman Dam, the largest hydro-electric powerplant in the Western Hemisphere *The destruction of the Burma Crystal Mine *The illegal invasion of the planet Cybertron into Earth's atmosphere Despite these attacks and a grand total of 3,041,683 lives lost, Optimus Prime would go down in history as America's favorite president with Captain America following in at a close second. Heroic Autobots As a testament to Optimus Prime's superior leadership skills, he managed to lead a troop of giant toys to victory against the mighty Decepticon forces. These autonomous robots, Autobots, turned into fearsome warmachines such as sports cars, tape-decks, and Volkswagen Beetles. Fighting alongside Prime were Autobots such as Sunstreaker, known for his obsession with his looks and effeminate lisp; Tracks, known for his obsessesion with his looks and tendancy to hang around a street punk with a heart of gold named Raul; Mirage, known for his obsession with his looks and tendency to doubt their war, and Jazz, Optimus' black friend. Other notable Autbots included Huffer, the chronic whiner, Gears, the chronic complainer and Grimlock, the chronic tard. Social critics have often critically criticized the cowboy mentality of the Prime Administration and its seeming lack of diversity and harsh treatment of women. They claim that Deceptislam is a group that empowers women and promotes peace and brotherhood. To its defense, the Prime Administration notes that it features prominently a strong supporting cast of women-bots, at least 2 black guys, a handful of midgets, mostly rednecks, and more gay-robots than It's a Small World. By most calculations, Prime and the Autobots should have folded faster than Ping Pong's dry cleaners, yet through his unmatched leadership skills, Prime heroically slaughtered the forces of the Decepticons and Polar Bears. Evil Decepticons Like most illegal immigrants, the Decepticons are terrorists bent on destroying America because our country is nicer than theirs. While the other terrorist legions of the world tried to overthrow America through politics or collapsing the occasional office building, the Decepticons were much less subtle. These illegal immigrants from the stars would build giant laser cannons on a weekly basis, using them to blow holes in the moon or turn New York City into a robo-metropolis. To power their weapons of mass destruction, the Decepticons would steal energon from things like hydro-electric dams, ruby crystals, Dr. Arkeville's brain or solar panels. Their homeplanet of Cybertronistan has no clean water and deodorant is banned. Apologists for the Decepticons say that Deceptislam is a religion of peace and that the actions waged by Megatron and his ruffians are the actions of a small group of extremists. Most people, however, point to the fact that Allahcron is a planet-eater and hardly the role model of a traditionally moral religious group. It is believed that the greatest act a Decepticon can make is to wage war against unbelievers and small woodland creatures. Journalists and scholars say that this is a Western stereotype and that "it depends on how you define Deceptislamic G1had." They quote More Than Meets the Eye Volume 3, in which Megatron says "Destruction to all traitors!", thus implying that war should only be waged against those who betray the Decepticon cause. Still, most point to his most famous quote, "Peace through tyranny!", which pretty much abrogates what was said before. Critics have also cited the Great War as being an excuse for the Prime Administration to further its campaign for cheaper, more abundant energon. The loss of 7,846 Autobot soldiers pales in comparison to the 55,678 Decepticon casualties which include combatants, civilians, dogs, cats, and bears. Protesters around America like to chant "Prime lied, kids died" because it's catchy and makes for great t-shirts. 8/9/05: The Assassination of Optimus Prime On August 9, 2005, Interstellar Flight 777.68 was hijacked by Decepticon extremists en route to Autobot City, Oregon. The terrorists included toys banned from most FAA flights, including Starscream (Al-Tariq Mahmood Hassood), communications expert Soundwave (Aisha Hamas), and terrorist mastermind Megatron (Muhammad Durka bin Ladentron). Scientists and forensic experts concur that the hijackers used an array of simple instruments such as pulse-blasters, laser rifles, and fusion cannons to nullify the ship's crew. The terrorists planned to use the shuttle to bypass the early warning systems of Oregon's ground control and safely infiltrate Autobot City. There were no survivors. Ground control at Autobot City failed to pick up any signs of erratic behavior from Flight 93, though witnesses on the ground reported that there was "a hole in the shuttle." A civilian opened fire on the ship and ignited its fuselage, causing it to explode. The surviving Decepticons laid siege to Autobot City with screams of "Allah-u Ackbar!", which means "Admiral Ackbar is great!" in terrorist-speak. After more than 3 hours of heavy gunfire on the city, ground communications expert Buster Jones sent a distress signal to Optimus Prime requesting reinforcements. The following is a copy of that fateful transmission: ----- Jones: "Optimus Prime, you heard tha word? Them Decepticons be blitzin' dis mutha-f*ckin' city! Them suckaz is really poundin' like--" Rumble (Decepticon): "First we crack the shell, then we crack the nuts inside! Lalalalalalalalala!" ----- An hour later, Optimus Prime landed with a handful of dinosaur toys, all of whom were crushed shitless. It was at this time that Prime declared a formal statement of war, a War on Not Being a Pussy. Eyewitnesses say that he barrelled through a large number of Decepticons and did a spin-jump and killed a bunch of Decepticons and a young child, though those reports seem to be exaggerated. What is known is that Optimus Prime and Megatron, in the minutes afterwards, would settle their millenia-old debt with a wrestling match, the universal game of manlihood known as Rochambeau, and a fight with plastic lightsabers. They both got owned. Optimus Prime was pronounced dead at exactly 3:00pm Western Time on August 9, 2005 due to an inflamed appendix and the need to sell more toys. His death was punctuated by the screams of young children in theaters worldwide, which is said to have a lasting traumatic impact even to this day. Optimus Prime was laid to rest in a mausoleum which floats endlessly in space. Visitors to the tomb claim a great sense of unease coming from inside its walls and many claim that it is haunted, possibly by the ghost of Prime himself. As demand for Optimus Prime and the need to sell more toys is great, many have prophesied that Prime shall come again. Most economists and nerds agree that the likelihood is great since two powers with the capability of bringing him back from the dead: Quintessons and Hasbro executives. Optimus Fun Facts *In Japan, Optimus Prime is called "Convoy" by the Japanese and was proclaimed Supreme Shogun Samurai by Emperor Hirohito. *Optimus Prime killed Bambi's Mom. And he'd do it again in a heartbeat. *Some say that Optimus Prime is voiced by Peter Cullen, when in reality, Peter Cullen is voiced by Optimus Prime... controlled by seduction. *The Matrix of Leadership was passed down to George W. Bush by Optimus Prime on his deathbed. *Optimus Prime killed Wolfman Jack with a trident. *Leader-1 makes Optimus Prime's coffee. And he still fucks it up. *Optimus Prime wipes his exhaust pipe with bears. *Optimus Prime snapped Dr. Gregory House's leg after being misdiagnosed with prostate cancer. *Optimus Prime's spirit will forever haunt that asshole, Judd Nelson. *While the teddy bear was named after Teddy Roosevelt, the prime rib was named after Optimus Prime. *Despite the strong budget of Gulf War II: The Revenge, it failed to attract audiences with the same spirit of its predecessor, possibly due to the infamy of its lead actor. Dreamworks and Steven Spielberg brought Optimus Prime back to star in 2007's war epic, "Transformers". *To assure the highest standard of artistic filmaking, historian Michael Bay (director of acclaimed historical epics such as Pearl Harbor and The Day After Tommorow, much like fellow German historian Roland Emmerich. That asshole.) has been asked to helm the daunting task of bringing Prime to the big screen. *In 2005, Prime was arrested for his involvement in the Japanese underground child porno film titled "Kiss Play", but was exonerated of all charges after authorities discovered Prime had been having relations with his sister, Elita One. Apparently, there's a legal loophole in there, somewhere. *Ronald Reagan was Optimus Prime's Powermaster partner, which explains why he is often mistaken as being the 40th President of the United States, and Michael, Prince of the Eighth Choir of Archangels. See Also * How Optimus Prime helped to invent Meatloaf.